English Club Chatter

Here are some examples from the LRB.

1) Blonde sunshine GODDESS of many worlds (36, 5'6") seeks ridiculously tall GOD for mutual worship, command of universe and the creation of space, time, the firmament, good, evil, etc. It's lonely at the top. Of course, you know that, being absurdly tall.

2) Young, charming, thoughtful, attractive, sporty, zesty, intelligent. None of these are me, but if you'd like to spend an afternoon or more considering alternative adjectives to be applied to 53-year-old cantankerous dipshit, write now.

3) I wrote this ad to prove I'm not gay. Man, 29. Not gay. Absolutely not.

4) Bend over and show me your bottom. Collector of bearded stunt hobbits, 35, M, seeks F (to 50) curator of DIY curio for genuine aluminium stepladder action. People named Dubya, Osama, Cindy & Barbie needn't apply. Blow-up dolls excluded unless they come with their own puncture repair kit.

5) In laboratory tests, this ad made seven mice blind. The remaining three, however, developed extra-sensory powers and the ability to levitate. You could too, by replying to excommunicated biologist and psychic-mouse groomer (M, 39). Or you may just go blind. It's a 70-30 shot but you can't halt progress.

6)The genre-crossing personal ad. It begins as Romance with this mention of jane Austen, before turning into Contemporary Fiction with this reference to the latest Thomas POynchon novel. But once we meet it's all Sci-Fi as I persuade you (and I will -- my argument is perfectly sound and very coherently structured) of the existence of extra-terrestrials who walk among us disguised
as doctors, academics, lawyers, my ex-wife and, latterly, following an absurd 3-month "cooling off" restraining order, my probation officer. Man, 48. Warwick. The truth is out there.

7) Just as chugging on a bottle of White Lightning on a park bench will make you nauseous and diminish the respect of your peers, yet taking just a glass of cold cider on a balmy summer evening will quench your thirst and take you back to heady days frolicking in West Country apple orchards, so it is with this ad. Man, 37. Refreshing in small sips where the delicate nuances of Somerset burst through full and flavoursome, but anything bigger and you'll end up puking over your own shoes and smelling of wee.

Holy S***! Those are hysterical. Puts us Americans to shame, I think. I feel inadequate to rise to the situation. Deepest Apologies.

Wsod

Male 3'6" 800 yr old. Own home have I. Female 6'3" 20 yr old seek I. Help with shelf need I. Big ears have I. Seek me out you will.

So I'm a Star Wars fan. Angela.

Farmer of the world reaping whatever you have and are willing to sow. Have own equipment and can haul anything you want taken or drug. Devout imp.

Young chef fond of euphemism seeks the macaroni for her cheese, the beef for her Wellington, the eggplant for her Baba Ganoush. Must be Kosher. Your kitchen or mine?

Male. 25. Looking for someone who doesn't eat babies. Rumor on the street is that anyone who doesn't reply to this ad probably eats babies. You don't eat babies...do you?

Carnivore. Seeking young vegetarian. Must be lean and Kosher. Fast food optional. Enjoys dining out rarely. Young and tender preferred.

Male. Math Teacher. Looking for a special female to be my derivative so I can lie tangent with her curves and try to take 1 into 0. Need someone to fill in the missing variable in my equation, "U + ME = US" I enjoy doing integration by parts, using brackets (even when unnecessary), and would love to try Newton's method with someone new. Don't worry, I've never bounded my bessel function so that the membrane didn't shoot to infinity...I'm very careful in my techniques. Are YOU willing to be my next common denominator?

i Am the doG of speealing chalenged lesdics...dilesc...dislexicsz...oh hell, I guess m'I just looking for a warm place to put it. must be a mamal.

Female,39 is looking for male, 39-41 (I like older men) to spend long evenings together (but not too long, I have to be in bed by 8:00). I'm considered the "exciting" one out of my circle of friends. Hobbies include swabbing my cheek and looking at it under a microscope to make sure I don't have any new diseases and disinfecting everything in my house. I also enjoy watching "Monk" and "House" on my DVR. If this sounds like your idea of a fun time, call 555-5555. Never been on date before.

I'm pretty much open to anyone who calls. As long as they are Tall, handsome, rich, and don't have a brain the size of a pea. It might also help if you like giving gifts and have a forgien accent (preferably English or Australian.)Don't bother calling if you dont drive a BMW.

Don't mind the funk, I've been burning nonsense at all four ends for 23 days, though not days in the way you might think, and certainly not sequentially. Looking for someone chronologically challenged to explore tangents dictated by the winds of kismet. Let the world follow us with plastic bags.Perhaps they can use our jettisoned excess baggage. If dollars were dollies it woudn't matter, because we will travel light and carry all we need in one another. See you on the round side of the moon.

Male warrior looking for monster to slay. Will fight hulking brutish beasts day or night even underwater. No dragons please, last time didin't go so well. Send requests to Beowulf@yadayada.com

2 yr old, blonde female, stands 2’3” (4’5” on hind legs) seeking male for long walks on the beach, outdoor activities such as Frisbee tossing, and caresses throughout the day. Low maintenance: brush my hair, say nice things, and feed me once a day (from a can, not a bag), and I will be your loyal companion for life. Call 555-PUPS and ask for Trixie. Must be tolerant of 25 yr old, 5’3” brunette roommate.

S.W.M. 98. Looking for new wife. last one died. I can still wipe my own ass.

Please send replies directly to:

Sunshine Farm Nursing Homes
1667 lickerticker Dr.
Rolling Hills, California
88908

English Major/writing center consultant. Looking for wonderful man to conjugate verbs and edit/revise with me all night long.I'm really just a noun, but I'd like to be more. For fun i like ad-libs, scrabble, reading the norton anthology and looking up words in the dictionary. feminist Literary critism whips me into verbal frenzies.

Single college student. In my free-time I myspace. I have a really good myspace quote. If you want to know about me look on myspace. I just posted a new bulletin on myspace. My picture just got updated. search: raginglunitic

I like to read books on tape about real people. I lost alot of wieght but I wish I hadn't because now I'm just a "B." I like want to wait to like do a mature role in a movie, because once you do one you can't go back. My mom doesnt want me to say this, but I date around, I don't like just one relationship.

S.F. 26. looking for a lunch that doesnt talk back. no wierdo's please.

My uncle killed my father.I'm in love with my mother. Need someone thats good at acting and can keep a secret from a suicidal lady. I'm a prince.

dantheman dantheman http://www.dantheman.pl

SWF 40, looking to spend long nights with SWM that likes to post annoying, unwanted ads to refinance my house, consolidate my debt, or become a swinger in every city in the world. I would leave my contact information, but I'm sure that if you want reach me, this won't be a problem for you.